"yo, i never loved you." is that what you say a few months after you say you do?
and you say.. "fuck that, i'd mean it if i said i do." haha, fuck you, you never meant it. i want to know what you're thinking, when you say you so-called love me, cause i know love's unconditional, and yours seems to last like all those other liars.. for about, a few months. do you want me for what we could be or what you can get out of me? now you look at your stupid self and realize what you saw in me, and you don't want to admit to it, that you thought you knew what love was when you said you loved me.. and just because i didn't feel the same, it didn't mean i wouldn't be, bitch please. feeling the same infatuated feeling as you once were, or thought you were feeling.. "as if you knew what love was." hah.. you sicken me. and have you noticed that i've been using "i" and "me"? cause that's what it's about, i'm just reminding "you" that this is what it is not all about. you got in too deep, and now you're drowning.. and you say "fuck you, i was never in love, you see?" yeah, i agree, you never knew what love was anyway. you thought you knew how to respect me, care for me, listen to me, but fuck that shit.. you never knew what you thought your "love" was going to do to me and neither did i, and now i'm going crazy trying to figure out what your words meant to me.. but i'll tell you what i think and i think i know that love's just a temporary insanity.
p.s. i'd like to see how many times you'd get married.
they say heavens above the clouds and hell's down below.. but if we know what's past the atmosphere and underneath to the core, where are we?
live spells evil backwards.
i can so easily say "baby, i'm living in heaven." but what does that mean when you don't know if it even exists. what do you picture heaven to look like? to feel like? what do you see peace as, if we've never fully experienced it on earth. it's so easy for you to say "fuck war." but with that saying, creates a little bit more war with those who want to fuck with it. maybe in little pieces of peace, peace came to us in a peaceful way piece by piece like.. donating to charity and helping the poor instead of watching the homeless begging at the front store doors. and you pass those who sing and entertain for money and you wonder how are they so happy when money doesn't come easy? it's something hard to imagine but if we've politically confirmed those two words of heaven and hell.. then we can find heaven and hell on earth. we keep getting frustrated with how we can sell for the money, we get so low to say heaven's the new hell but.. where is hell? what is hell.. and how do we feel when we use that word to relate to our own scenerio? why is it so easy to say our lives are living hell instead of living heaven. maybe, when we die, we'll stay on earth.. i know heaven and hell are lost cause im pretty damn sure they've been found before. found by every single person living here on earth, whether they're lives are in hell or heaven.. we experience both at either the same time or each at different places on your lifespan. maybe to help us after we're six feet under.. to strenghthen us so that G.O.D. can tell me where i'm going to be so much more easily.. and that's why we feel. feel as if we're living in mass confusion looking for some sort of absolution to solute us into where we're going in the future.
i guess going to church was to help me learn, and even though i thought a homily was a lecture, it's a blessing not a curse.. it taught me that heaven and hell exist here on earth.
so where are we?
"and even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will not fear no evil."
cause we're constantly going to live through evil, through innocence, through guilt..through heaven and hell, but only you choose to get through it. (cause suicide isn't a fastlane ticket to either place) "for you are with me, your rod and your staff; they comfort me."
I'll keep this simple.. "it's like passing by a smoker who puffs out all the smoke right before you pass."
you hesitate to walk through the stench. you try to avoid it by holding your breath. you don't want to show how grossed out you are, so you fake the disgust. the smell still gets through.. leaving you light headed and dizzy. and then it's gone, and you regret ever passing.Post a Comment
my summer feels so busy, but it actually isnt :( i just take forever to do things.. but i managed to go swimming for two hours for 32 laps and sitting at the bottom of the deep end for a bit hah. i had a really long conversation with one of the lifeguards, Dana this white girl with a really nice pixie cut and a piercing on her chin who says "sweet" a lot, who told me all about her CPR experiences and how she had to save someone using CPR at waterfront ON HER BIRTHDAY which is the day i start classes (july7). okay, so instead of calculating how much time it's going to take me to get that pretty shirt i asked her and it's going to take me about a year for about 7 classes that i counted when she was talking about what she had to do to get her full "LIFEGUARD" label.. and i have to get 500 hours of lifeguard assisting and teaching classes which i look forward to :] something different.
i had a family party today for my newborn cousin adia elize and after a couple hundred of times, my 8 year old cousin, celina finally memorized how to play HALF of mary had a little lam T_T but that meant putting her fingers on the right keys and reading the notes, time signature and all that crap for that song i do not want to hear ever again (: oh, and the babies are so cute.. krislene and carlos played outside with the sprinkler, MY GOSH.. cutest thing ever.
hm, so everything pretty perfect right now..especially my room hahhaaha it hasn't been this OCD perfectionistly placed at 90 degree angles in FOREVER and i mean.. shirts placed according to how i'd wear them.. as in.. formals to the very left, then (from left to right) light sweaters, windbreakers, skirts, jeans, vests, cardigans, crewnecks and at the very right where i can't see..my SUPER LG stuff "lawl." OH, and ma soeur est retourn-e(-up) from williams lake with a facial sunburn complimenting her mosquito bite on her cheek and 3 wasp bites ahahahaha. ( L )
p.s. have fun at philippines/toronto/croatia elizer/jess/tommy, we'll miss youuu!
p.p.s. this CD is the shit.
check? ear candy.. it's worth blasting at 1am in the morning even though i haven't done that.. it's playing really loudly right now. fire song (: "tonight we're gonna do something different."
Michael Jackson dead?! I don't know much about him, except the big stuff like his racial change with plastic surgery, a few of his songs that played on ABDC, losing his nose in that eminem video, and holding his baby out from his balcony. I won't remember June 25th as when my mom was born, but also when "The King Of Pop" died, which kind of sucks. Apparently, there would be no usher, justin timberlake and a whole bunch of other multitalented artists if it wasn't for Michael Jackson (according to a lot of reporters). Oh well, i guess he needed another big day since he hasn't had one in forever that didn't have to do with drugs or another celebrity mental spree. Rest in Peace.
Living on the edge, out of control, and the world just wont let me slow down, But in my biggest picture, was a photo of you and me. You know I tried, I work hard to provide all the material things that I thought would make you happy. I'm confused; can you make me understand, cause i try to give u the best of me, I thought we were cool, maybe i was blind, but never took time to see.
Can u help me? tell me what you want from me. Can you help me? Tell me why you wanna leave. Baby help me, Without you my whole world is falling apart and i'm going crazy, life's a prison when you're in love alone.
WHOA i just saw this now... and i saved it on 9, 19, 2009. heh... well yeah, i wasnt that good of a writer but i guess i'll call this a diary of an ordinary lg thinking girl.
this is about how girls can start liking someone so much, and realizing in the end that it was just infatuation. making yourself believe that the person you're into will like you back. making yourself believe you have a chance with someone that belongs in your dreams. making yourself believe what you have is more than a friendship. realizing how gahdammn insecure people can be when they play someone or flirt-to-hurt.
okay i know this is long, and it gets really boring.. you forget that you're even reading something.. but i was bored and decided to write this yesterday but i didn't finish cause i got owned. so today i finished it and i totally changed the vibe of it somewhere in the beginning of the middle of the story.. but whatever. good enough, this is the only story that i could attempt to finish out of all my other ones. sorry : p.s. my grammar sucks here, too lazy to edit. p.p.s. ew, this is way too long. only read if you need to go to sleep. you may want to pause the distracting music.
you know when you see that specific someone, you feel a smile rising inside you but you don't want to pull it out until they actually come up to you and say something to prevent you from embarrassment? yeah well.. i guess i couldn't hide that from him. i mean, he's got a perfect smile, and that aura of him just being around makes me feel so cautious. i know i might sound a little bit off, but if you've felt this way, then i'm pretty sure you know what i'm talking about. anyway, i think i've gotten a little bit high from all of what has happened, these invisible drugs worked as a catalyst to what i never would've expected. usually, my dreams are imminent to be the same.. to recur and in the most breif description.. i can never remember what they were about. until, that one night.. when i constantly thought about him, i fell asleep and my thoughts continued. i had hoped that morning that my 'snooze' button wouldn't disturb me from the absolute enervation (in a good way) of this dream..but it obviously did. atleast i could remember a good portion of it.. he was there and i was there; that's all that really matters.
that day, i went to school, and surprisingly.. my dream actually-in-capitals came true! i felt those cliche butterflies advancing from my feet to my stomache and sliding everywhere in my abdomen to my grey matter to my ulna bone. and the butterflies danced further, causing me to drop my books and unleash that smile that let my blood defy gravity allowing it to cover my face. what the hell was i doing? first of all, i was late which didn't really matter to me- but everyone else noticed, second of all i dropped my books with a tomato face that smiled and third of all.. infront of him. how embarrassing! whatever, story of my life.. and what made it even more of a story.. is that he picked my books. huh. who would've known? that started our first conversation.. which lead him to calling me "the gorgeous tomato face who dropped her books," who was late for the first day of school. even though it wasn't a very nice thing to say, his banter made me twirl inside with a feeling i couldn't explain. was it love? it couldn't be.. because i wasn't sure if he felt the same way.. however, the feeling grew inside of me each day. let's call it.. infatuation. for now.
we started out as the 'usuals'.. he talked to me and i let him. it seemed like he went out of his way just to say hi or give me that gorgeous smile which gave me an automatic picture memory that made it hard for me to forget. there was something about him that i liked too, i couldn't understand why i had to fall for a guy like him with such a bad rep. but still, he was sweet, a jock and damn.. did he have a fine body. was he a bad boy trying to be good? or a good boy trying to be bad? i just couldn't figure it out.. but whatever face he was hiding, didn't really matter to me. i thought i was going to get to know him inside and out, and most of all.. i wanted to.
one day, i came to school, seriously bothered by what went on at home. i'm a really strong girl, but when you know that you've lost your female figure to an abusive relationship.. you tend to lose a lot of that strength. dad never hurt me.. but the sleepless nights of hearing things fly into walls didn't exactly give me a peaceful state of mind. how much more does it take to get someone to lose their self-esteem to actually get up and go? this is what i did understand about love.. mom stayed cause she loved my dad(unless she just needed his money) but i'm not sure and i don't think i'll understand why he kept hurting her. it was painful to experience because i never knew what to do. mom didn't come home that night, and i didn't want to be another one of those kids who stayed home, devastated by a ruined relationship at home with a peer councellor at school that made me skip classes. no, school was important to me. my friends kept me happy, and seeing him.. made my mind blow up in a whole new place. so i didn't let my sadness completely take over.. but it was made obvious that what happened was eating on my outsides.
i was standing at my locker collecting my books for another day 2 and a familiar voice came up to me, "are you okay?" i jumped and my books fell foward into my locker. "i guess not." automatically placing my hand on my head and my other hand on my books to prevent them from falling out. it was him. he reached over towards my books and smiled which automatically refreshed my memory of him, "here, let me get those." he walked me to my class and i gave him an inkling of what was happening that made me look so depressed. though we only walked together for a few minutes, his reassuring voice told me everything would be okay. i know, i know many people tell you "it's okay, don't worry." but when your dad is abusing your helpless mom, you know it's not okay and how can you not worry? but what mattered was that i totally forgot about what had happened at home when i was with him.. all the negativity just seemed to disappear; his voice told me things would be okay, and i believed him.
my day which included a series of unfortunate events ended up with a huge advantage. it opened the door for him and i to talk more and surprisingly.. it felt like he actually cared. after studying infront of my laptop for a few hours, i got an invitation on aol. the name "bboy92" came up and i smiled at how silly it sounded. i accepted the invitation and right away, an orange flashing bar placed itself on my taskbar. "hey tomato face! :)" i smiled and covered my mouth as i typed down how silly i thought his screen name was relating to how bboy-he-isn't. he asked me if i was okay, and we started talking even more. even though i was on a laptop talking to him, i still felt the same butterflies fluttering around. it was kind of awkward; i kept backspacing cause i didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound stupid. what a girl thing to do. we continued on like this for a week and everyday i grew much more comfortable talking to him and the same exhilaration was still intact with those times.
when a few days passed, our conversation slowly died off, and since i was too caught up with thinking about him, there were no more negative thoughts for him to help me with. making something up didn't seem right, so i tried my best to make sure i didn't seem desperate.. and i wasn't. i just simply.. "missed him." for about 3 days i wondered why we weren't talking, and i just wanted to call him up or to ask if he forgot my number.. but that would've been embarrassing if he didn't call. i had a little tiny obsession with this boy, and i found myself on his myspace. i wrote on his wall of comments a few hours ago, but i couldn't find my post unless i clicked on the 'show all posts' button. his wall was covered with a bunch of other girls, and i felt like just another one of them. maybe he got bored of me? maybe he liked another girl? did he find out that i like him? did i freak him out? .. i don't even know. but remembering that he wasn't too much of a good boyfriend to some of the girls that i knew, didn't make it much more easier for me. i know he wasn't my boyfriend, but i felt genuinely hurt..
it was like i had been dancing for too long, drinking too much, and had just gotten over a hangover. it felt like i had been high for a whole month, and the after outcome was 9.0 times something in scientific notation.. worse than a sad feeling. i'd check my cell phone to see if he had texted, i'd go on my myspace and facebook just to see if he had messaged too.. but, it was predictable that he wouldn't.
had i lead myself to learning the steps to a heartbreak? was everything he told me a lie? i didn't know what to do because all he said made it seem like he cared too much. maybe i was overexaggerating.. maybe i took all his signs in different ways. but why would he help such a random girl? he made me happy, and now i'd hurt myself for trusting someone i barely knew. and i was able to replace my thoughts about my parents with thoughts of him, and i was able to sleep so much better. but not anymore.. i knew he wasn't going to contact me and i felt as if i was worthless.i was just another transaction, i gave him security, i gave him my time, i wouldve given him so much.. but i felt played. he really did hurt all those girls, and i really felt like just another one that got hurt. i couldn't swallow the thought of it.. there was a twist of stress and confusion in my stomach; the butterflies had died down. i realized this was more than my fault.. even though i took his signs in a much different way; the harsh reality of this is that he lead me on.. and now this is where i knew i would end up.
this time, he couldn't tease me for being that clumsy girl he helped out when she was late that day.. infact, i was lucky to find out the reality of him quite early, something i didn't wish for but something i needed to know.
gasping for breath like you do when you wake up from another nightmare i could hear my parents talking over coffee.. i sat up and rubbed my eyes in bed and felt my heart return to a slow pace..realizing this was all a dream. i looked at my clock and the date read september 5th.. only the second day of school. i got up from bed and touched my feet to the cold laminated wood floors. i adjusted my bed hair and tied it into a side braid, smiling. i could take care of myself.
i walked into my school and up to the second floor, where my locker was and where- in my dream, he would be waiting. i loaded my books into my locker and heard a commotion to my left.. he was there, wishing he made me look to catch my attention but all we shared was a split second glance.
unfortunately, what i wanted as reality was all just a dream.
ouch.. i woke up to my very first calf muscle spasm and it hurt like a b/tch, AND to my dad complaining that there was no rice.. how fob can you get?
SUMMER! it seriously does not feel like summer.. but maybe after the work out tomorrow with ren and kay, it'll feel more like it if i do go. HAHA kathlene doesn't know how to ride a bike!? yeahh, so yesterday was our math exam! Starbucks before and after the tutorial and exam made me really ..awake except for when i blanked out everytime we had to use pythagorean theory. :( especially with those seats question.. i actually measured the squares out and put them on the C area (0.4mm:). After exams we had our very first summer hang out at jessica's. pictures, running around, scaring me:(, he's just not that into you and a really chill day with the best. (L)
it's going to be such bad weather until tuesday :(
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY NEW COUSIN!. My Tita just gave birth at 12 today to Adia Maria G. Wuang (: !!!!!!!!! p.s. i missed you. unfortunatley, there is no "we," and because of what you've done, there never again will be. Post a Comment
date/time Sunday, June 14, 2009,9:41 AM
rooftops.
you can tell me if i'm too high up,
but don't expect me to come all the way down.
i like it when the sun smiles on me,
it gives me a sense of confidentiallity.
i feel more available to the world,
in that case, i have everything to see..
unfortunately the world's not always available to me,
i've been asking for a summer full of activities.. and i got one :( if the pools in richmond were open right now.. or if i knew that they were, i would be there right now. i haven't even started studying for science :( i have mass at 10:30 and vio at 11:30, swimming right after and studying until.. 10:30? woooooo, and if i can fit yoga into this day, i will. hahaha, alright..
p.s. as much as i want to guarantee all that materialisti-c, i can't.. so please promise, don't wait up for me.
i expected it to be this way.. but i didn't actually think i would pass the waiting list to get into it. schedule: bronze medallion: july 7th-10th = 8:30am to 1:30pm. bronze cross: july 13th-july 16th = 8:30am to 1:30pm. national lifeguard camp: july 19th-august 16th(sundays) = 12pm-8pm
all together? ... 80 hours.
this means practice everyday at the pool doing laps until july 7th and every other day that i don't have classes. goal: 500m in less than 13minutes.
wish me luck? :S
OH and about exams? HAHA so totally screwed for science... but that's okay. math ftw (:Post a Comment
Oh yeah, i've been wanting to pour out my mind, my soul, myheart.. but i just can't find the words.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE DAY.
1. "renren uses socks for pleasure."
3. can i be a whale? hahahahahahahahahahaha...
4. "misfortune tests the sincerity of frienship."
5. "i can officially say ..SCREW YOU."
LOL:
2. so tomeia and i were on her laptop on blogspot during socials right after harriet said, "renren uses socks for pleasure." and tomeia decides to post it and she writes "renren uses salks for pleasure." HAHAHA and i pointed at the word "Salks" to ask her what it meant and she just nodded and said "..salks" HAHAHAHAH omg, you rooockk my salks tomeia (L)(L)(L)
Don't believe everything you think. - Mr. Bohnen.Post a Comment
date/time Friday, June 5, 2009,8:06 PM
He asks me why i laugh at the littlest things..
Though i'm put through many challenges from God.. He made sure that it would be incredibly easy for me to find the positives of my day, forgetting the negativity. I've gone to sleep thinking tomorrow would be too stressful, promising myself that what hardship had happened brought me to think that it wasn't worth it to smile or be happy for that fact. But i can't help it; i can't keep a straight face.. cause every little thing that makes someone smile, makes me smile. And anyone's laughter, and smile.. is really contagious. Even though i don't want to smile, i just can't hold back. A hug and a smile are all i need to change my mood and to make my day 100x happier. It just keeps getting better from here.
[karina pasian (Y)
ps. "this is how to look chill, it's just the way it is." HAHA, never fail to make me smile, then again, who does? [:
Now we've been talking for awhile. And you've got me trying to figure out. Boy, I don't know what to say to you. But you got me feeling some kind of way for you. And all i know is, when we're together, no one can make me feel the way you do. I wish each moment would last forever, it's hard to explain the way i feel for you. I just can't find the words. I've been losing myself in what i'm trying to say and it's so hard to fight it. I can't help but feeling this way. And everytime that i'm near you, it's like my heart gets weak. Feels like I'm losing my breath, making it hard to speak. Now i know i come off kind of shy, but it's hard to say what's on my mind. The chemistry we have is hard to find, but to find the right words.. it's gonna take some time. You've got me tripping over words, you've got me stuttering, and like a bad dream, i'm calling out but you don't hear me speak. And constantly, i find myself in this predicament. So let me show you, cause actions speak louder than words.
And everytime that i'm near you, it's like my heart gets weak. Feels like I'm losing my breath, making it hard to speak. I just can't find the words.
"wish that it was a perfect world where you could just forgive and forget; but you kind of learn that if someone loses your trust, you have to help them grow too, by giving them the consequence of 'letting them go and moving on..' it's hard to let someone go, but at the same time if you really love them, you're going to teach them what's right. love is selfless."
don't like what you see? try ALT + F4.disclaim your rules