i havent written here in forever.. so i guess i'll update with my important 4 + school.

GOD:

oh what would i do without you ? 

I KNOW you wouldn't give me anything that i can't handle.. it's just i wish you didn't trust me so much. 

FAMILY:

worst terms ever. i know i've made plenty of mistakes.. without them. and i've finally been able to talk to them straight up about it .. with force. but either way, i know they love me and it's super gay that they're taking away the computer from my room.. cause that's stupid. but they've taught me so much.. sosososo much.. and i owe my life to them. really, i am thankful, i just wish they didn't care so much HAH. i just wish you'd try and understand things in MY perspective. i won't get killed or anything just because i'm in vancouver T_T when will they realize that i'm growing up ? but what they have so much of brings me to my next..

LOVE:

i'm talking about the unconditional love: which i have way too much of from my family that i feel like i just don't want it.

now, i'm talking about the love love, as in i love you, love love. again, i've made so many mistakes. and whats more important about making a mistake is knowing how to take responsibility of it so that you won't do it again. this week has been hell.. and i can't figure out what i'm going to do with us. it's either we have nothing, or keep it on the low and have something secret.. which i don't think we should even have due to my family being nanana. 

either way it'll hurt.. cause i seriously cannot forget you..but if i don't then i'm going to get owned. 

so who do you pick .. the person you think you love, the person you know that loves you, or family. 

the obvious answer here is family. but if family wants you to be happy then why don't they let you choose the person you either think u love or you love ? HUH? that's confusing. and when someone tells you to follow your heart, what if you do but your mind says not to? what if someone tells you to do what you THINK is right, but your heart doesn't like the idea. what if you KNOW you've chosen the right choice and both your heart and your mind is happy, but on the bigger perspective.. the whole world isn't happy about it.

but if i'm happy.. then why is the world mad ? i seriously do not get this theorizing. 

FRIENDS:

oh baby, i KNOW who my real friends are. and i understand your purpose of lying to me about who told you something.. cause you're just being a good friend to that person as well.

anyway... i'm starting to think that repetitive apologies have something to do with personal gain.. and NO i do not like that at all.. but maybe i'm wrong.

SCHOOL:

wtf, school. what bullshi/. i'm starting to do well again, and hopefully continue like that.. even though i'm not doing math to write here. 

as everyone knows, i've been in and out of class lately.. not to skip but to talk to admin about things that have really been bothering me. yeah, it sounds kind of a pussy thing to do, but if it's been going for more than a year, it really gets to you, right? especially when it's been for no f/cking reason. SO today, i think i got all i needed. and i'm pretty damn sure i'm not letting go of it. 

sighhhh once again, no matter how much hurt you put me through, i promised i'd be there, and i am. unfortunately, it's not that easy to let go of someone you know had the same kind of love in a bfffffffllllssss kind of way, that meant so much. huh.. somethinggg to deeply think about.

p.s. i love you. 

p.p.s. i can't say things will be okay, unless you think being without me is okay. but i seriously don't know what the future holds, so things might get worse, things might get better.. but i'm so much on the negative side now.. that i can't give you or myself false hope. but.. pray for the better, cause i seriously.. seriously am.