realistic fiction: it was just infatuation.
WHOA i just saw this now... and i saved it on 9, 19, 2009. heh... well yeah, i wasnt that good of a writer but i guess i'll call this a diary of an ordinary lg thinking girl.
this is about how girls can start liking someone so much, and realizing in the end that it was just infatuation. making yourself believe that the person you're into will like you back. making yourself believe you have a chance with someone that belongs in your dreams. making yourself believe what you have is more than a friendship. realizing how gahdammn insecure people can be when they play someone or flirt-to-hurt.
okay i know this is long, and it gets really boring.. you forget that you're even reading something.. but i was bored and decided to write this yesterday but i didn't finish cause i got owned. so today i finished it and i totally changed the vibe of it somewhere in the beginning of the middle of the story.. but whatever. good enough, this is the only story that i could attempt to finish out of all my other ones. sorry : p.s. my grammar sucks here, too lazy to edit. p.p.s. ew, this is way too long. only read if you need to go to sleep. you may want to pause the distracting music.
you know when you see that specific someone, you feel a smile rising inside you but you don't want to pull it out until they actually come up to you and say something to prevent you from embarrassment? yeah well.. i guess i couldn't hide that from him. i mean, he's got a perfect smile, and that aura of him just being around makes me feel so cautious. i know i might sound a little bit off, but if you've felt this way, then i'm pretty sure you know what i'm talking about. anyway, i think i've gotten a little bit high from all of what has happened, these invisible drugs worked as a catalyst to what i never would've expected. usually, my dreams are imminent to be the same.. to recur and in the most breif description.. i can never remember what they were about. until, that one night.. when i constantly thought about him, i fell asleep and my thoughts continued. i had hoped that morning that my 'snooze' button wouldn't disturb me from the absolute enervation (in a good way) of this dream..but it obviously did. atleast i could remember a good portion of it.. he was there and i was there; that's all that really matters.
that day, i went to school, and surprisingly.. my dream actually-in-capitals came true! i felt those cliche butterflies advancing from my feet to my stomache and sliding everywhere in my abdomen to my grey matter to my ulna bone. and the butterflies danced further, causing me to drop my books and unleash that smile that let my blood defy gravity allowing it to cover my face. what the hell was i doing? first of all, i was late which didn't really matter to me- but everyone else noticed, second of all i dropped my books with a tomato face that smiled and third of all.. infront of him. how embarrassing! whatever, story of my life.. and what made it even more of a story.. is that he picked my books. huh. who would've known? that started our first conversation.. which lead him to calling me "the gorgeous tomato face who dropped her books," who was late for the first day of school. even though it wasn't a very nice thing to say, his banter made me twirl inside with a feeling i couldn't explain. was it love? it couldn't be.. because i wasn't sure if he felt the same way.. however, the feeling grew inside of me each day. let's call it.. infatuation. for now.
we started out as the 'usuals'.. he talked to me and i let him. it seemed like he went out of his way just to say hi or give me that gorgeous smile which gave me an automatic picture memory that made it hard for me to forget. there was something about him that i liked too, i couldn't understand why i had to fall for a guy like him with such a bad rep. but still, he was sweet, a jock and damn.. did he have a fine body. was he a bad boy trying to be good? or a good boy trying to be bad? i just couldn't figure it out.. but whatever face he was hiding, didn't really matter to me. i thought i was going to get to know him inside and out, and most of all.. i wanted to.
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one day, i came to school, seriously bothered by what went on at home. i'm a really strong girl, but when you know that you've lost your female figure to an abusive relationship.. you tend to lose a lot of that strength. dad never hurt me.. but the sleepless nights of hearing things fly into walls didn't exactly give me a peaceful state of mind. how much more does it take to get someone to lose their self-esteem to actually get up and go? this is what i did understand about love.. mom stayed cause she loved my dad(unless she just needed his money) but i'm not sure and i don't think i'll understand why he kept hurting her. it was painful to experience because i never knew what to do. mom didn't come home that night, and i didn't want to be another one of those kids who stayed home, devastated by a ruined relationship at home with a peer councellor at school that made me skip classes. no, school was important to me. my friends kept me happy, and seeing him.. made my mind blow up in a whole new place. so i didn't let my sadness completely take over.. but it was made obvious that what happened was eating on my outsides.
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i was standing at my locker collecting my books for another day 2 and a familiar voice came up to me, "are you okay?" i jumped and my books fell foward into my locker. "i guess not." automatically placing my hand on my head and my other hand on my books to prevent them from falling out. it was him. he reached over towards my books and smiled which automatically refreshed my memory of him, "here, let me get those." he walked me to my class and i gave him an inkling of what was happening that made me look so depressed. though we only walked together for a few minutes, his reassuring voice told me everything would be okay. i know, i know many people tell you "it's okay, don't worry." but when your dad is abusing your helpless mom, you know it's not okay and how can you not worry? but what mattered was that i totally forgot about what had happened at home when i was with him.. all the negativity just seemed to disappear; his voice told me things would be okay, and i believed him.
my day which included a series of unfortunate events ended up with a huge advantage. it opened the door for him and i to talk more and surprisingly.. it felt like he actually cared. after studying infront of my laptop for a few hours, i got an invitation on aol. the name "bboy92" came up and i smiled at how silly it sounded. i accepted the invitation and right away, an orange flashing bar placed itself on my taskbar. "hey tomato face! :)" i smiled and covered my mouth as i typed down how silly i thought his screen name was relating to how bboy-he-isn't. he asked me if i was okay, and we started talking even more. even though i was on a laptop talking to him, i still felt the same butterflies fluttering around. it was kind of awkward; i kept backspacing cause i didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound stupid. what a girl thing to do. we continued on like this for a week and everyday i grew much more comfortable talking to him and the same exhilaration was still intact with those times.
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when a few days passed, our conversation slowly died off, and since i was too caught up with thinking about him, there were no more negative thoughts for him to help me with. making something up didn't seem right, so i tried my best to make sure i didn't seem desperate.. and i wasn't. i just simply.. "missed him." for about 3 days i wondered why we weren't talking, and i just wanted to call him up or to ask if he forgot my number.. but that would've been embarrassing if he didn't call. i had a little tiny obsession with this boy, and i found myself on his myspace. i wrote on his wall of comments a few hours ago, but i couldn't find my post unless i clicked on the 'show all posts' button. his wall was covered with a bunch of other girls, and i felt like just another one of them. maybe he got bored of me? maybe he liked another girl? did he find out that i like him? did i freak him out? .. i don't even know. but remembering that he wasn't too much of a good boyfriend to some of the girls that i knew, didn't make it much more easier for me. i know he wasn't my boyfriend, but i felt genuinely hurt..
it was like i had been dancing for too long, drinking too much, and had just gotten over a hangover. it felt like i had been high for a whole month, and the after outcome was 9.0 times something in scientific notation.. worse than a sad feeling. i'd check my cell phone to see if he had texted, i'd go on my myspace and facebook just to see if he had messaged too.. but, it was predictable that he wouldn't.
had i lead myself to learning the steps to a heartbreak? was everything he told me a lie? i didn't know what to do because all he said made it seem like he cared too much. maybe i was overexaggerating.. maybe i took all his signs in different ways. but why would he help such a random girl? he made me happy, and now i'd hurt myself for trusting someone i barely knew. and i was able to replace my thoughts about my parents with thoughts of him, and i was able to sleep so much better. but not anymore.. i knew he wasn't going to contact me and i felt as if i was worthless. i was just another transaction, i gave him security, i gave him my time, i wouldve given him so much.. but i felt played. he really did hurt all those girls, and i really felt like just another one that got hurt. i couldn't swallow the thought of it.. there was a twist of stress and confusion in my stomach; the butterflies had died down. i realized this was more than my fault.. even though i took his signs in a much different way; the harsh reality of this is that he lead me on.. and now this is where i knew i would end up.
this time, he couldn't tease me for being that clumsy girl he helped out when she was late that day.. infact, i was lucky to find out the reality of him quite early, something i didn't wish for but something i needed to know.
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gasping for breath like you do when you wake up from another nightmare i could hear my parents talking over coffee.. i sat up and rubbed my eyes in bed and felt my heart return to a slow pace..realizing this was all a dream. i looked at my clock and the date read september 5th.. only the second day of school. i got up from bed and touched my feet to the cold laminated wood floors. i adjusted my bed hair and tied it into a side braid, smiling. i could take care of myself.
i walked into my school and up to the second floor, where my locker was and where- in my dream, he would be waiting. i loaded my books into my locker and heard a commotion to my left.. he was there, wishing he made me look to catch my attention but all we shared was a split second glance.
unfortunately, what i wanted as reality was all just a dream.
fortunately, it stayed as one.
P.s. you were one in a milli.
